Saturday, 21 September 2013

The Imp's Weekly Horrorscopes

Image courtesy of Salvatore Vuono /

My scribe was refusing to type this post up for me, he was whining about being tired and working too hard. Well I wasn't standing for that! I warned him about a possible influx of Eau de Imp in his cry baby lughole and he got the message. I didn't spend all afternoon pulling apart a rabbit to read its entrails for you all to let my lazy scribe stop me sharing the good news.

Everyone knows that you're a lover not a fighter and that's why you're looking forward to visiting Paris so much. The 'Garden of Earthly Delights' is most definitely a fun place to visit, heed my warning though, the ladies aren't all that they seem.

You're as happy as you can be bouncing on the trampoline of life, bouncing up and down until whoops - the trampoline isn't there.

There's a secret known only by three people in the world. Unfortunately a secret known by more than one person isn't a secret anymore. You best start packing.

Every morning you wake up disappointed to still be in the land of living, well you need to start looking on the bright side - at least you have one day less to go!

You've been complaining a lot about work, how many hours you're doing and what a pain it can be. As you're friendly health advisor I am prescribing you a heavy dose of man the hell up.

It never rains, but it pours, so you'll get a little wet. I'm just saying.

You're appearance on the local news might not be the fame you've wanted all your life, still you should make the most of it as it'll be all be downhill from that moment on.

I'm pleased that you listened to me this time, don't try and leave the country as they're waiting for you to do just that. Head west into Wales, it's like a foreign country, but stay clear of the locals, they don't like outsiders.

You flash that seductive smile and everyone falls over themselves to do your bidding. On Wednesday that isn't going work and then what will you do?

The people who knocked on your door that you mocked for their beliefs, you should have listened to what they said for insulting their god. He isn't the turn the other cheek kind of deity, he has more tentacles and no cheeks to offer.

It's rude not to answer your phone. The next time it rings answer it, you're in for a surprise.

Glorious day the Time of Awakening is upon you, the time you have prayed for has come. You are in for some out of this world delights. I'm all a shiver with what's coming and you will be too,

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