Saturday, 7 September 2013

The Imp's Weekly Horrorscopes

Image courtesy of Salvatore Vuono /

Imps aren't just handsome little devils with fetching horns, no we are supernatural creatures with special powers. It's all right, I'm not a super hero or anything weird like that, no I am an imp with the power to see into the future, yes indeed I am the master of the black arts of divination.

And because I'm an Imp that likes to share I will use these arts to help you avoid the perils that lurk in your futures. So pay close attention to these potents!


People say that you like to talk, now I'm not judging you. I'm a chatterbox myself. There's nothing I like more than to sit on my faithful scribe's shoulders and gossip into his ever eager ear. Unfortunately not everyone is as easy going and if you carry on you will end up murdered in your sleep.


Bulls are well known for their tact and discretion, always welcome in the finest pottery and tea shops. This is true of your latest endeavours, but you won't get anywhere by pussy footing around, so in that next board meeting storm in there like you own the place, then mark your territory around your bosses chair so he knows that you want his job. I advise eating lots of broccoli the night before for really pungent scent marking.


Twins have a secret language that allows them to communicate without everyone else around them understanding. You cannot imagine how annoying that is to them, so keep it up!

There is a special place in Hell reserved for liars and cheats, but don't let that put you off, eternal damnation isn't as bad as it sounds and if if a few fibs get you the promotion you want and your best friend's husband then all's fair in love and work I say.

Lions are fierce and lazy beasts, slow to anger, but devastating when enraged. You really shouldn't go home early on Thursday evening, what you've suspected for the last few weeks isn't true. No sir, most definitely not true.

Beauty is more than skin deep, although it takes the proper eye to truly enjoy the delights that lie beneath. You'll be pleased to know that you will soon be admired in a way few have the pleasure to ever experience.

Driving with your eyes closed is scary fun, isn't it?

The police suspect you, lay low for a while. Without any new bodies they won't find the evidence they need to convict you. You've done good work, and there's much more to come, but only if you're still around to do it.

When the raven calls you must obey its summons, I'm sorry you have no choice, but look on the bright side, you won't be alone.

Young love is a grand thing, it fills you with the joy to be alive, right up until the moment you discover that it takes two to tango. Although with the proper encouragement love can be taught.

The mysterious puzzle box that you purchased from a strange oriental gentleman is not a toy, do not play with it!

You are about to meet a handsome yellow skinned devil. He's not very tall but he has everything you need and you should heed everything he says.

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