Saturday 14 September 2013

The Imp's Weekly Horrorscopes

Image courtesy of Salvatore Vuono /

I can't believe a week has gone by already! It's been a busy week providing inspiration to my scribe, but I've also been writing myself, you can see the fruits of my labours and how much better than my scribe I am tomorrow. For today I have written the latest horrorscopes for all you wonderful people. Not only have I used my innate divination skills, I have also drawn the entrails of a tasty sheep to read the portents and to enjoy a lovely lamb dinner later on.

Somewhere in a twisted dimension impossible for human eyes to comprehend a being older than the Earth itself is stirring. It has heard your name whispered on the ether and will rise to drag you into its dark domain and consume your soul in a feast that will last for eons. In some good news you will receive a modest lottery win the day before this happens.

You should be more careful who's parking space you pinch, the mild mannered secretary who won't look you in the eye is actually a witch. You humans don't burn them anymore so they have grown fat and powerful and you've just pissed one off. Good luck with that!

Happy news! The sun will rise tomorrow, heed my words the fire that you hold so precious will rise upon my command. Call my premium rate number if you'd like to learn more.

On Friday beware of your second shadow, it isn't what it seems. You will know it by its reddish tint, whatever you do don't look at it directly!

They say that lightening never strikes twice. I wish I could be there to see the impossible.

Be careful what you promise, those promises will often come back to bite you. It won't seem like much, but it's so easy to get in too deep. Still, I wouldn't worry too much, it'll be a fun journey along the way, if a little painful at the finale.

It's getting a little too cold for dancing naked in the woods, but that doesn't mean that you can do it in the local church instead.

I warned you last week that you should keep a low profile, but you didn't listen. They're on to you now, run while you still can. You really should listen to me this time, get out now.

You think that you know fear. You lie in your bed, all alone, sweating at the thought that they know. They don't know, not yet, but they will and when they do, you'll have to explain yourself. There's nothing you can do, whatever you do they'll discover your terrible secret and then the fear will really begin.

You will receive a mysterious disk in the post. It will come in a plain brown envelope, this isn't the exotic blue films you were hoping for. Watching that film would be the most dangerous thing you will ever do, but you're going to watch it anyway because you don't believe in the supernatural or monsters. It doesn't matter, they believe in you.

I'm pleased you listed to my advice from last week, selling the puzzle box to your brother was a good idea. You didn't tell him about the warning though did you? Never mind, he wouldn't have listened anyway.

The world isn't that bad a place, it could be much worse. There's no need to rush into joining us in Hell, no matter how bad it gets up here I guarantee it's far worse down there. What am I saying! Go ahead and join us, we're equal opportunity tormentors!

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