The Imp's Weekly Horrorscopes

Image courtesy of Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

My scribe was refusing to type this post up for me, he was whining about being tired and working too hard. Well I wasn't standing for that! I warned him about a possible influx of Eau de Imp in his cry baby lughole and he got the message. I didn't spend all afternoon pulling apart a rabbit to read its entrails for you all to let my lazy scribe stop me sharing the good news.

Aries
Everyone knows that you're a lover not a fighter and that's why you're looking forward to visiting Paris so much. The 'Garden of Earthly Delights' is most definitely a fun place to visit, heed my warning though, the ladies aren't all that they seem.

Taurus
You're as happy as you can be bouncing on the trampoline of life, bouncing up and down until whoops - the trampoline isn't there.

Gemini
There's a secret known only by three people in the world. Unfortunately a secret known by more than one person isn't a secret anymore. You best start packing.

Cancer
Every morning you wake up disappointed to still be in the land of living, well you need to start looking on the bright side - at least you have one day less to go!

Leo
You've been complaining a lot about work, how many hours you're doing and what a pain it can be. As you're friendly health advisor I am prescribing you a heavy dose of man the hell up.

Virgo
It never rains, but it pours, so you'll get a little wet. I'm just saying.

Libra
You're appearance on the local news might not be the fame you've wanted all your life, still you should make the most of it as it'll be all be downhill from that moment on.

Scorpio
I'm pleased that you listened to me this time, don't try and leave the country as they're waiting for you to do just that. Head west into Wales, it's like a foreign country, but stay clear of the locals, they don't like outsiders.

Sagittarius
You flash that seductive smile and everyone falls over themselves to do your bidding. On Wednesday that isn't going work and then what will you do?

Capricorn
The people who knocked on your door that you mocked for their beliefs, you should have listened to what they said for insulting their god. He isn't the turn the other cheek kind of deity, he has more tentacles and no cheeks to offer.

Aquarius
It's rude not to answer your phone. The next time it rings answer it, you're in for a surprise.

Pisces
Glorious day the Time of Awakening is upon you, the time you have prayed for has come. You are in for some out of this world delights. I'm all a shiver with what's coming and you will be too,

The Imp's Internet Delights - The Best Page in the Universe

Last week I told you about my first Internet Delight, The Daily Mash, a site that both my scribe and I enjoy at lunchtimes. Today I bring you a site that we enjoy less frequently, but we always look forward to his latest updates.

Maddox is one of those superior humans, his sarcasm drips with every word, but not in a clumsy, brutish way. No, instead his words lash with a barbed wit that entertains me greatly. Even better are the occasions when less enlightened denizens of the internet attempt to engage him in combat. Not true combat you understand, but the end is still merciless.

What I also appreciate about Maddox's website is the simplicity of it. The design has remain essentially unchanged in the years that he has run it. He also delights in crude yet amusing drawings, pictures almost ironic when you consider one of his most famous early posts was the criticism of young children's drawings:

http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=irule

In fairness his writing has evolved since that old post, but his razor insight has remained the same. There is a special place in Hell already prepared for Maddox, but I'm sure he'll keep us entertained, for as long as his spirit remains that is.

Imp Rhymes - Baa, Baa, Yellow Imp

Some time ago my scribe wrote a drabble called Imp Rhymes where he recounted a children's nursery rhyme, if you haven't read it then you can read that and the other drabbles he's written about me here. He didn't really believe that we had nursery rhymes in Hell and to be honest he's right on that one, but it did get me thinking, what if we did?

Life as a young imp is hard, you'll find out when you read 'The Imp of Destiny' in the upcoming 'Off the KUF' anthology. I think my scribe has done a pretty good job telling that story, but that doesn't mean I can't imagine what it would have been like growing up like a human child.

Well I am a muse and how hard can writing be? My scribe does it all the time, but these are going to be all me. So with great fanfare let me present my new feature, Imp Rhymes and the first rhyme will be the old classic 'Baa, baa, yellow imp':

Baa, baa, yellow imp,

Have you any souls?

Yes, lord, yes, lord,Three damned fools;

One for you master,

And one for the dark lord,

And one for the little imp

Who suffers from growing pains.

The Imp's Weekly Horrorscopes

Image courtesy of Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I can't believe a week has gone by already! It's been a busy week providing inspiration to my scribe, but I've also been writing myself, you can see the fruits of my labours and how much better than my scribe I am tomorrow. For today I have written the latest horrorscopes for all you wonderful people. Not only have I used my innate divination skills, I have also drawn the entrails of a tasty sheep to read the portents and to enjoy a lovely lamb dinner later on.

Aries
Somewhere in a twisted dimension impossible for human eyes to comprehend a being older than the Earth itself is stirring. It has heard your name whispered on the ether and will rise to drag you into its dark domain and consume your soul in a feast that will last for eons. In some good news you will receive a modest lottery win the day before this happens.

Taurus
You should be more careful who's parking space you pinch, the mild mannered secretary who won't look you in the eye is actually a witch. You humans don't burn them anymore so they have grown fat and powerful and you've just pissed one off. Good luck with that!

Gemini
Happy news! The sun will rise tomorrow, heed my words the fire that you hold so precious will rise upon my command. Call my premium rate number if you'd like to learn more.

Cancer
On Friday beware of your second shadow, it isn't what it seems. You will know it by its reddish tint, whatever you do don't look at it directly!

Leo
They say that lightening never strikes twice. I wish I could be there to see the impossible.

Virgo
Be careful what you promise, those promises will often come back to bite you. It won't seem like much, but it's so easy to get in too deep. Still, I wouldn't worry too much, it'll be a fun journey along the way, if a little painful at the finale.

Libra
It's getting a little too cold for dancing naked in the woods, but that doesn't mean that you can do it in the local church instead.

Scorpio
I warned you last week that you should keep a low profile, but you didn't listen. They're on to you now, run while you still can. You really should listen to me this time, get out now.

Sagittarius
You think that you know fear. You lie in your bed, all alone, sweating at the thought that they know. They don't know, not yet, but they will and when they do, you'll have to explain yourself. There's nothing you can do, whatever you do they'll discover your terrible secret and then the fear will really begin.

Capricorn
You will receive a mysterious disk in the post. It will come in a plain brown envelope, this isn't the exotic blue films you were hoping for. Watching that film would be the most dangerous thing you will ever do, but you're going to watch it anyway because you don't believe in the supernatural or monsters. It doesn't matter, they believe in you.

Aquarius
I'm pleased you listed to my advice from last week, selling the puzzle box to your brother was a good idea. You didn't tell him about the warning though did you? Never mind, he wouldn't have listened anyway.

Pisces
The world isn't that bad a place, it could be much worse. There's no need to rush into joining us in Hell, no matter how bad it gets up here I guarantee it's far worse down there. What am I saying! Go ahead and join us, we're equal opportunity tormentors!

The Imp's Internet Delights - The Daily Mash

Hello delicious humans! I like it here on Earth, in truth there are many similarities, but here you humans really shine. It's also satisfying that souls are more plentiful here and most of them are unclaimed - simply amazing. Anyway one of the things I like about you is the incredible ingenuity that you have. Nowhere is this more apparent than on that most wonderful thing you call the internet.

We have nothing like it in Hell, books are still a rarity down there, but that will change if my plans come to fruition. Can you guess what I enjoy most about it? If has all your finest depravity there for everyone to enkoy, but I'm a modern imp. I'm not just about sin and evil, I'm taking a leaf from your book and discovering humour.

Demons know humour, you can't spend an eternity drowning human souls in their filth without learning a thing or two about toilet humour or irony. Yet you have managed to surpass this in the most amazing ways.

So I thought that with my new blog I would share these entertainments that I have discovered on your marvelous invention. We'll start with a website called 'The Daily Mash'. This is a UK site (I understand this to be a small dominion where my scribe resides) that is a satirical look at the latest news and current events.

My scribe loves it, every lunchtime he loads it up and chuckles away at their latest offerings. As well as satire it turns the news into something almost surreal (not that much is needed to do that sometimes!). To give you a taste here is one of my favourite articles:

I do not love the ginger ones, says Santa
http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/i-do-not-love-the-ginger-ones-says-santa-200912152310

My scribe is a bit ginger in the beard (although he denies it), so this one made me chuckle :-)

As well as daily news they also have Psychic Bob, although my weekly horrorscopes are obviously much better!

The Agony Aunt feature is also quite amusing, maybe I should do an 'Ask The Imp' feature here, what do you think?

The Imp's Weekly Horrorscopes

Image courtesy of Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Imps aren't just handsome little devils with fetching horns, no we are supernatural creatures with special powers. It's all right, I'm not a super hero or anything weird like that, no I am an imp with the power to see into the future, yes indeed I am the master of the black arts of divination.

And because I'm an Imp that likes to share I will use these arts to help you avoid the perils that lurk in your futures. So pay close attention to these potents!

Aries

People say that you like to talk, now I'm not judging you. I'm a chatterbox myself. There's nothing I like more than to sit on my faithful scribe's shoulders and gossip into his ever eager ear. Unfortunately not everyone is as easy going and if you carry on you will end up murdered in your sleep.

Taurus

Bulls are well known for their tact and discretion, always welcome in the finest pottery and tea shops. This is true of your latest endeavours, but you won't get anywhere by pussy footing around, so in that next board meeting storm in there like you own the place, then mark your territory around your bosses chair so he knows that you want his job. I advise eating lots of broccoli the night before for really pungent scent marking.

Gemini

Twins have a secret language that allows them to communicate without everyone else around them understanding. You cannot imagine how annoying that is to them, so keep it up!

Cancer
There is a special place in Hell reserved for liars and cheats, but don't let that put you off, eternal damnation isn't as bad as it sounds and if if a few fibs get you the promotion you want and your best friend's husband then all's fair in love and work I say.

Leo
Lions are fierce and lazy beasts, slow to anger, but devastating when enraged. You really shouldn't go home early on Thursday evening, what you've suspected for the last few weeks isn't true. No sir, most definitely not true.

Virgo
Beauty is more than skin deep, although it takes the proper eye to truly enjoy the delights that lie beneath. You'll be pleased to know that you will soon be admired in a way few have the pleasure to ever experience.

Libra
Driving with your eyes closed is scary fun, isn't it?

Scorpio
The police suspect you, lay low for a while. Without any new bodies they won't find the evidence they need to convict you. You've done good work, and there's much more to come, but only if you're still around to do it.

Sagittarius
When the raven calls you must obey its summons, I'm sorry you have no choice, but look on the bright side, you won't be alone.

Capricorn
Young love is a grand thing, it fills you with the joy to be alive, right up until the moment you discover that it takes two to tango. Although with the proper encouragement love can be taught.

Aquarius
The mysterious puzzle box that you purchased from a strange oriental gentleman is not a toy, do not play with it!

Pisces
You are about to meet a handsome yellow skinned devil. He's not very tall but he has everything you need and you should heed everything he says.


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Welcome to my Playground

Hi everyone and welcome to my playground! Some of you will have met me before through the scribblings of my scribe Michael Brookes. He thinks that I'm his muse, but really he just writes what I want him to write, sometimes he doesn't even know he's doing it!

Anyway, I've watched him update his own blog on a regular basis and I thought that I could do better, so here we are in my freshly made playground.

"What am I going to do with my shiny new blog?" you may well ask. Well it's going to be about all the fun things that I like, as you can see from my piccy up above I'm a happy fellow. True I am from the Pits of Hell, but to be honest that's no worse than some of the places I've visited up here.

As to what I will post, it will be whatever I fancy, my views on what crazy things you humans get  up to and I'll even write some exclusive horrorscopes, look out for the first one's tomorrow. My scribe will also continue to write his drabbles about me so you'll find those here as well.

Now every imp needs followers, they help us sleep easy at night knowing that the world is full of willing souls, so I urge you to follow my new blog, there's a button on the right you can use.

You can also follow me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/MeetTheImp

And on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/theimpsplayground